Alignment
I’ve been feeling stuck for a while now. My perfectionist and controlling tendencies have taken over, leaving me drained and unworthy. For the past few years, I’ve been trying to perfect myself, eliminating patterns and behaviors that don’t align with who I thought I was supposed to be. My goal was to live in total alignment. Yet, the more time and energy I poured into trying to be aligned, the further away it felt. It was like running a marathon, only to watch the finish line move further every time I reached a checkpoint.
Every full moon, I try to release something that no longer serves me. I love tapping into the collective energy to change, grow, and evolve. This time, I set my intention to release the perfectionist, controlling behaviors that had been eating me alive. I even booked an energetic clearing, thinking it would help. At first, I was excited. But as it got closer, I felt resistance. I didn’t want to work on myself. I just wanted to enjoy the dinner I made and watch a silly show. But even that felt wrong, like I was wasting time that could have been spent improving myself. About thirty minutes before the session, I read through the instructions: lie down, open yourself up, put on relaxing music. So I did. But I couldn’t relax at all. My whole being screamed that I wasn’t supposed to be doing this. And yet, there I was. So I compromised. I stayed lying down but kept my eyes open, just observing my thoughts. Then, out of nowhere, a loud voice inside me erupted.
"Why the fuck am I doing something I resist this much? And why the fuck did I pay for someone else to clear my energy? Why do I keep looking outside of myself to live in a way that’s true to my soul? That doesn’t make any sense."
That moment hit me like a revelation. By constantly trying to better myself, convincing myself that I wasn’t yet who I was supposed to be or doing what I was supposed to do, I was missing the entire point of alignment. I was dismissing myself in the present moment. I was treating myself like an unfinished project. Or worse, like I wasn’t good enough as I was. I sat with that realization and asked myself: what does true alignment actually mean to me?
Lately, I’ve felt out of alignment because I’ve been chasing a picture-perfect vision of my life. I crafted an ideal version of myself, and every day I wasn’t that exact person, living that exact life, felt like failure. But that can’t be the definition of alignment, can it? For someone who’s written a book about the journey of (un)becoming, I was being incredibly unkind to myself. And that made me feel like a fraud. Who am I to guide others in self-discovery when I still have so much to figure out? How dare I speak on this before I’ve reached perfection? But then I had to ask myself: is that what alignment really is? Having complete control? Achieving perfection in every area of life?
No.
Living in alignment isn’t about being perfect. It’s about staying on the path, even when it’s messy, and still showing up for my truth. I’m not meant to have it all figured out. My authenticity lies in the process. Alignment isn’t about controlling everything or making life fit into a perfect mold. It’s about being in harmony with my true self, even as life unfolds unpredictably. It’s about accepting that I am always in a state of becoming, learning, and evolving. Alignment means tuning into my values, my inner wisdom, and my purpose and letting that guide me, even if the external circumstances don’t look like I imagined. It’s less about forcing an outcome and more about surrendering to the flow, trusting that I’m still on the right path, even when it doesn’t feel like it. So maybe alignment isn’t a rigid destination. Maybe it’s more of a dance than a battle.
Thinking about it this way is freeing. I don’t need to have everything together to be aligned. I can be in the mess of growth, still figuring things out, and still trust that I am exactly where I need to be. And honestly, I think I’ve already been living this more than I realized.
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